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Breaking: New $500 Million Government Study Finds Government Employees Oppose Cutting Government Jobs

Breaking: New $500 Million Government Study Finds Government Employees Oppose Cutting Government Jobs

By: Matthew Hayward

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking revelation that absolutely no one saw coming, a newly released $500 million government-funded study has found that government employees are overwhelmingly against cutting government jobs, reducing waste, or making government more efficient.

The 10-year study, commissioned by a bipartisan coalition known as the Committee to Study Studies About Studies, spent a decade analyzing the complex question of whether bureaucrats enjoy having taxpayer-funded jobs. The answer, after extensive focus groups, surveys, and catered team-building retreats? A resounding “No” to anything that might involve layoffs, accountability, or a world where they have to produce measurable results.

“This data is crystal clear,” said Dr. Preston Bloatworthy, lead researcher on the study, while adjusting his government-issued ergonomic office chair. “Government employees do not support reductions in their own departments. They also strongly oppose efforts to cut fraud, waste, or unnecessary expenditures. In fact, we found that the word ‘efficiency’ triggered higher stress levels among respondents than ‘nuclear war’ or ‘being asked to show up to work on time.’”

The study, which required the hiring of 2,000 additional researchers, four new government task forces, and a new division within the Department of Redundant Research, found that 99.8% of federal employees surveyed agreed with the statement: “I support reducing government waste, as long as it does not affect me personally in any way.”

In response to the study, Elon Musk has reportedly begun purchasing large amounts of unused government office space, turning them into “X Premium Cubicle Workhouses” where employees will be required to justify their existence in 280-character tweets or be reassigned to a Soylent Green processing facility.

Meanwhile, the White House has announced an emergency $1 trillion “Government Job Security Initiative” to prevent even a single bureaucrat from losing their pension benefits, ensuring America’s most vital workforce—people whose entire job is attending Zoom meetings and forwarding emails—remains fully funded.

At press time, an additional $250 million study was approved to analyze whether further studies on this topic would be necessary, just to be safe.

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Location: Olympia, WA, USA

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