Breaking: New $500 Million Government Study Finds Government Employees Oppose Cutting Government Jobs By: Matthew Hayward WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking revelation that absolutely no one saw coming, a newly released $500 million government-funded study has found that government employees are overwhelmingly against cutting government jobs, reducing waste, or making government more efficient. The 10-year study, commissioned by a bipartisan coalition known as the Committee to Study Studies About Studies , spent a decade analyzing the complex question of whether bureaucrats enjoy having taxpayer-funded jobs. The answer, after extensive focus groups, surveys, and catered team-building retreats? A resounding “No” to anything that might involve layoffs, accountability, or a world where they have to produce measurable results. “This data is crystal clear,” said Dr. Preston Bloatworthy, lead researcher on the study, while adjusting his government-issued ergonomic office chair. “Government emp...